Can you imagine having a hateful person following you all day every day, criticizing you and pointing out every flaw or hoping to embarrass you when you make a mistake? It would be horrible, right? Anyone would tell you to get away from that person as soon as possible, but what if that person were yourself? If you hate yourself, you cannot get away from yourself … But you can learn to put an end to those negative and toxic thoughts , and thus, be able to enjoy your life and your personal relationships but above all, the relationship with yourself. .
Typical self-hating thoughts can include things like: ‘I knew I would do it wrong’, ‘It’s not worth trying’, ‘I’m a loser’, ‘Nobody wants me’, ‘Nobody wants to be with me’, etc. When someone experiences self-hatred, it feels like they can never get away from that relentless critic. They experience constant ridicule and shame that comes from their own mind.
Hating yourself is something that develops over time and is influenced by many factors. Not only is there a particular experience that triggers that self-hatred, but the influence of many experiences over time.
1- Expectations too high with you
It is normal to want to be part of a group or do things well, but sometimes those expectations can be too high, so much that no one can meet them. These unrealistic expectations often lead us to fall short and feel like we have failed. Our inner critic comes out loud at such moments to embarrass us and remind us how disappointing we have been.
2- High expectations in others
When you want to connect with others, you may set your expectations too high. You can feel good when other people are happy with us, although this can have a dependent behavior . Instead, you can feel bad when you do not meet the needs of others or you think you have disappointed someone.
3- perfectionist mentality
If you are a very perfectionist person, you may not want to be wrong … But people are full of mistakes and limitations. Do not expect perfection in yourself or in others, because perfection simply does not exist.
It is important to note that we often develop a perfectionist mindset in an effort to protect ourselves from pain and feelings of disconnection. The emphasis is on performance with the belief that when you perform perfectly, you somehow avoid feeling pain. This pain could include things like shame, loneliness, abandonment, ridicule, being judged and more … but the frustration at realizing that you are not perfect is enormous.
4- Traumas experienced in the past and not overcome
Many people with extreme self-hatred have gone through traumatic and emotionally challenging experiences in the past. These experiences often include sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or neglect. When children go through experiences of emotional abuse and neglect, they begin to see the world as an unsafe place and the people around them as dangerous.
In an effort to try to make sense of their world, they can develop a narrative that makes them feel like they are not worth it and have no value. People may even have experienced these things being said directly to them by a parent or other loved one – hateful statements that soon become an all too familiar part of their inner critic.
5- Social comparisons
There is a natural tendency in us to want to do things well and not feel abandoned, we are often distracted by looking at what others are doing … and we compare ourselves thinking that others will always be better. It is not bad to look at what others do, what is bad is when that observation becomes painful towards oneself.
If you hate yourself, you may be comparing yourself too much to other people. If you only observe others and value others because you consider that they are better and you devalue yourself, you are having a toxic relationship with comparisons.